Journey of Three - Christina Lee

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I do not like taking risks. My aversion to risk is evident in many aspects of my life.  I have worked at the same company, in the same group for almost 14 years. I like it and feel it’s a good fit, so when the thought crosses my mind of considering anything new or different, I immediately dismiss it thinking it’s not worth the risk. The risk of being wrong or offending someone often holds me back from speaking up in meetings. The risk involved with making large purchases, such as a car, stresses me out to the point where my husband “jokingly” told me he would go house shopping by himself when the time came (although we DID successfully buy a house together after this). Even though I love excitement and adventure, over the years I’ve started shifting toward avoiding activities where there’s a likelihood of me injuring myself.  In my defense, I am very accident prone. Just a few days ago, I walked into a parked car which resulted in bruises, scratches, and losing a chunk of my pants on the license plate of said parked car.

I’ve also developed a fear of heights over the years. So naturally when I found out we would be rock climbing as part of our "Nothing Risked, Nothing Gained" session last month, I had a lot of anxiety. Even though deep down I knew it was safe and that we would all be trained how to properly belay and that it would actually be really hard to fall and injure myself, I focused on the minuscule chance of something going wrong and pictured myself falling to the ground head first from way up high. Then I imagined being paralyzed and having a much more challenging time keeping up with and taking care of my children. That’s how far I take it sometimes. I become paralyzed by fear and focus on the worst possible outcome in my head at the time rather than what can be gained from the situation. When I talk about it afterwards, I usually laugh at how ridiculous my thoughts were, but in the moment they often seem very real.

At our rock climbing session, I somehow gathered the courage to give it a try and probably only made it about five feet up on my first attempt before looking down, panicking and deciding to quit. I figured I was done for the day but a few minutes later, a classmate asked if I wanted to try again and I said yes for some reason. I can’t really explain what went through my head besides some shred of determination to make it to the top. What I do remember clearly feeling is freedom and excitement (still mixed in with some fear) the first time I made it to the top, and almost an immediate addiction to those feelings the next few times I did it. Additionally, while I was initially extremely fearful of incorrectly belaying for others and causing horrendous injury to them, the more I did it, the more I started feeling more confident and proud of myself for successfully taking on that responsibility.

The experience was really eye-opening for me and a great reminder that going out of your comfort zone and taking calculated risks can be incredibly rewarding. It made me want to apply this concept to more aspects of my life where I often let fear of what can go wrong guide my decisions, rather than what can go right and what can be gained. I realize that taking risks won’t always result in the best outcome, but even when it doesn’t, it usually results in a valuable learning experience that might have not otherwise presented itself. That in itself is extremely freeing to me. I’m thankful I had this experience and that I went through it with my amazing classmates.